A has always been a great supporter for Our Love Quest. I got to catch up with him during Tet (Vietnamese New Year) and we discussed more about love & relationship. He promised to share his story and he did. This is also the very first story written by our member. Thank you A for your bravery and courages to share your story. May love and peace be with you!
I did another Kundalini meditation session this afternoon during my meditation trip, expecting nothing but some shaking and dancing some energy off my body. The first two stages (out of 4 in the entire session) went by as normal until I came to the third stage, where I felt like physically entering into a subconscious zone of my mind and being forced to come face to face with what I have been trying to avoid, or subconsciously not giving so much thought to.
It started with the good things my ex had done for me, followed by the things that he had to suffer because of me, or put it another way, those things I had inflicted upon him, with or without intention. Like how he’d lost sleep because he was worried about how I felt after we had a fight; or how he took the initiative to write to me and found ways to patch things up after the first time we broke up. Those memories flashed through my mind, one after another like those from a roll of film, each clearer than ever.
As it happened, tears just suddenly came out from the corner of my meditating closed eyes. Not a whole lot like how I experienced in the Dynamic meditation session but this time, I could really feel the drops of tear slowly rolling down my cheeks.
Consciously ever since the official breakup, I’ve always been telling myself how badly he’d treated me, and hence there’d be no happiness whatsoever if we continued the relationship, and I deserve someone better that would love me more than I love him. I guess that’s the trick that I’ve been using to fool myself and disguise the pain in my heart, to easily shake the past and move on. Yet today, as I was pulled into the subconscious mind, I knew that it’s just a lie I’ve been telling myself. Maybe not a lie but a half truth. He’d done so much for me as he could, and the good things that he did are probably equal to the bad things that I felt sad, upset or disappointed about throughout the relationship. However, all I often focused on, both before and after the breakup, are his shortcomings, how he misbehaved and treated me worse than I expected. In doing that, I totally overlooked and failed to appreciate what he did for me and how he has changed himself on many levels to keep me happy. All I did was just keeping demanding more from him, out of my mistrust and insecurity about myself.
One of the benefits of meditation, as I’m slowly experiencing, is that it gives your mind a sharper focus and helps cleanse all the negative out of your mind. I unfortunately came to meditating a tad later than I should have and I’m not sure if the whole experience today was meant to help me face what I needed to in order to truly let go but it certainly sent me a clear message about love. Life is not a utopia and nobody is saint. So put your focus wisely because if we just concentrate on the bad things, we’d lose sight of all the good things, and lose a relationship that would never come twice.
Anonymous, 30s, Vietnam